1. Smoking. Not a very good habit and one that I want to change.
2. Getting distracted. I may start with the best intentions of doing something but I get very easily distracted. Focus, focus, focus!
3. Sleeping. I love to sleep. I dream so many weird and usual things. Although it may be nice, it doesn’t help to accomplish tasks and is not healthy (to sleep a really loooong time).
4. Journal writing & daily photography. This is a new habit and one that I am glad I am sticking too. I have been keeping a daily journal (old school writing with a pen) and making sure to take photographs everyday and uploading them to my 365 project profile and on flickr. I don’t always have the best photographs to share at the moment because some days I run out of time (see habit number 2 and 3, also trying to finish designs).
5. Communication. One bad habit I have is that I am not always good at either communicating with people or keeping in constant communication. It’s not something that I mean to do, and it really annoys me that I loose track of time and suddenly it has been a month since I called a friend or emailed them. Must not let time sleep so easily away.

I also missed blogging yesterday, so I will try and make next weeks post on Geek Thursday an interesting one. *fingers crossed*

Look at us this magic race, sitting in our garden. Hearing stories, fairy tales that wither like our fathers.

When I started to care for my grandparents I was diagnosed with depression and given medication to treat it. It made a big difference to me and balanced out the chemicals that sent me to dark places. But even if I was being treated, I believe that the real lessons of life came from looking after the two soles I had grown up with, my Nanna and Poppy. There were moments of great joy and times when I felt so sick with worry my whole body would shake. Even through those hard times it showed how solid the bond I had for my family, to treat the special moments as precious as they are, how wonderful my true friends are and how strong the human spirit can be.

I watched my Nanna go from a beautiful comical person who would often make two sided jokes to someone who was serious, angry and did not know her own home and some of her family. I watched her leave this earth and felt her spirit in the next. I watched my grandfather go from a strong man helping me learn to drive into someone fragile and ill. It makes me sad that he has to be in a nursing home at the moment because I love him so dearly, and his mind is still very sharp, his body is just slowly letting him down, as age does to all.

Something that has been hard to watch as my grandfather gets older is how many friends and relatives he has lost in the last two years (even within the last month it has been a lot). Imagine watching the people who you are close to now dying, no longer being there to have a chat with, send an email to or call. It would be such a horrible thing to go through, especially when you felt ill yourself. Even though it is a morbid thought, it also makes you appreciate the people around you, or it does for me.

I know the time will eventually come when my Poppy will leave this world too. It is very scary because he has been such a huge part of my life, but I am so lucky to have known him, to have been their to help him when he needed my care and as a reminder that we have to appreciate the living energy around us. I am lucky to have a close relationship with my mum who is a constant rock, and is so understanding that we help each other in so many ways, sometimes just being in the same room is enough to sooth the unsaid.

There will be dark moments in the future and there will be vibrant tones of joy. I will grow and understand more, but I will carry my lessons of age with me, and approach life with a different understanding and appreciation.

This animal monday I would like to dedicate to my adopted dog Kinky (named so for a kink in her tail). She is the sweetest dog I have ever met. She is an older dog and first lived with my grandparents. It was sad to see her alone, so now that I am living in my grandparents house, Kinky and I keep each other company. She loves pats and cuddles and likes to wake me up by nudging her nose on the side of the bed (she does this often, but how can you get angry with such a cute face). She cares about people and has such expressive eyes, you can almost see what she is thinking. She also love Schmackos (which we call her ‘lollies’) and will sometimes wake me up at 3am wanting one.

I sat in the strange little box and waited. This was my parents idea because I was not the ideal child they had always dreamed me to be, the perfect reflection of themselves, gleaming with awards and trophies, stepping towards my career as a doctor or lawyer. Instead, to them I was in the gutter, slinking towards a future at McDonald’s if I was lucky.
“What are your troubles my child” a voice said through a thatched divider in another small box. I was not religious and the fact that I was being forced into confession seemed highly contradictory. It seemed so cliché that the youth in trouble is thrust towards the religious saviour, that God or a divine light is going to fix all the problems, and possibly take away my hormones.
“Well, I guess to put it very plainly, I had sex.”
I could hear the voice contemplating what was the right thing to say, and I was trying very hard to hold back growls of laughter, realising this would be more embarrassing for him, really.
“Go on” he finally said in a wavering tone.
“I guess it wasn’t just the fact that I had sex, it was due to the fact that it was at school and someone caught us and filmed it. Then after the whole school had seen it, so did the staff, the principle and then it was reported to my parents, which I really hope they didn’t watch.”
I wasn’t sure at the reaction I would get, but he gasped, literally. Maybe he had a photographic memory and it was the mental image that scared him the most. It wasn’t something that I was proud of, who wants to have their private moments broadcast to everyone you know, I guess if you have a career in the pornography industry that is different. It could have been my ticket into that world, but I did not want to, and although I wasn’t wishing I could take back what happened I was still embarrassed. Maybe it was the constant yelling of my mother telling me I was filthy and unclean and was going to burn in hell.

I sat in silence in the small little box. Not sure what I was supposed to say, and if he was still even there or had died of shock.
“Why?” was all he said.
“Because I wanted too. Haven’t you ever felt a desire, okay maybe a bad example. Haven’t you ever really wanted to or felt compelled to do something?”
“Young lady, there are things in life that God grants us, and there are those gifts that we should wait for and savour.”
I thought about this for a while. If I did not believe in God then how could the normal rules apply. Especially when I looked at the human race as beings in a constant search for pleasure and fun. I guess I should just get this over with quickly and drop the big bomb.
“I was pregnant as well, and had to have an abortion. My parents don’t know that part, but I guess they fear something like that could have happened and want me to be cleaned, cleansed and sins forgiven, do you think that could be done, at least just for their peace of mind?”
I heard the door to the little box open, I was sitting alone in my own little world. Just me and God, no middle man to receive the transmission.

The most significant events that happened in 2011 were: My grandfather becoming very ill several times and almost passing away, and because of that deterioration of health had to go into a nursing home. My childhood cat Pocket died after suffering with cancer (we also lost a pet bird). My great uncle passed away about a week before christmas which was really upsetting. Living on my own. I traveled to Sydney and had an amazing time, not only being able to see Krissy and Clare but also to explore the city and eat Macarons and Sushi for the first time (omg delicious!). I created a lot of website designs, continued to expand my illustration skills and work on Bubble Hosting. I also began the process to transforming Bubble from a hobby into an official business and this will continue to unfold into the new year.

I hope that 2012 will be a year of many opportunities, ones that I can reach up and take. Nothing is ever easy and it is because of the hard work we have to do that we are able to learn life lessons. I look forward to working hard and trying my best.

Now, a list of resolutions!

- Work hard on Bubble Hosting
- Create many website designs (good designs I am happy with)
- Create and sell illustrations on stock websites
- Take photographs everyday
- Write, draw, design or do something creative each day (aside from photography)
- Keep a daily journal, reflecting honestly on my thoughts and feelings
- Do more walking/exercise and become healthier
- Quit smoking and drink more water
- FINALLY publish my children’s book

Finally, Dad and I played our annual game of cricket. He won again. He is really starting to get a winning reputation in our game (he won the previous two years, eeek). Look out next year!

How has your year been?

Today I: Replied to emails on Bubble, replied to support tickets on Bubble, processed applications on Bubble, listed numerous domains on Namecheap for sale to have more finance for Bubble, replied to messages on Pop, enrolled in my next unit for University and received a reply from a photographer I know and admire who likes my photographs and wants me to share my personal favorites of my own photos with him and he will give me his opinion (I am really excited about this!! ).

Yesterday I also asked a family member if I could have a loan (they said yes, woo). I don’t believe I have mentioned this on my blog yet, but I plan to start a business. I have been madly researching the ins and outs of creating one and it is a complicated process. However, I feel that it is something that is going to be a really good direction for me, and will allow me to flourish in both design and hosting (hopefully). I still have to work out a business name and how Bubble will be incorporated into it, or if it will remain a stand alone project *pondering*.

I have also been continuing with my work on my children’s book, and plan on having another blog update soon on my process with this.

My beautiful cat Pocket passed away today. She had been in my life for 17 years and meant so much to me. She was with me when I was growing up, through many of the great memories and emotions. It hurts to have to say goodbye and hurt even more to watch her suffer. At least now I know she is finally at peace.
Pocket was a very individual cat. She had a dominant personality and was ‘The Boss’. She would often play tricks on me, such as getting under my bed when I was younger and pulling open bags and playing with everything she could. She used to beep rather then meow (until a few years ago when she started to meow).

I love her dearly and even though I won’t be able to hold her paw or cuddle her again, she is always in my heart and I am thankful I was able to spend the majority of 17 years with her.

Negatives

• My grandfather has been very ill and has been in hospital for several weeks. He almost died several times and he is stable at the moment but his health is not improving. This opens up the question of care in a home. My mother and I dread the though of having to do this to him, but on the same token he is 24 hour high care and because he is so ill, can we cope if he was in his own house?
• My oldest cat Pocket almost died last week. She was choking with fluid on her lungs. Mum got the fluid off her lungs, but the vet told us after giving her a scan that she has cancer and has a very large tumor. She has a lot of trouble breathing and she is on medication to help, it just hurts to see her so unwell.
• I have a bladder infection which is driving me crazy.
• My great uncle I adore had a heart attack.
• One of my birds, Poodle died.
• My fortnightly money I received from the government was cancelled because I forgot some paperwork.
• I received a $500 phone bill and doesn’t make sense.
• Because I have no money coming in now I am stressing about what to do.

Positives

• I am at home.
• I can sleep in.

I wish I didn’t have so much negative energy swirling around me. I know that my outlook and depressed attitude can make things seem even worse. I will try and focus on my designs and photography to take my mind into a productive and hopefully positive direction.