Yesterday I lost my dear friend and doggie, Kinky. She was an old dog and became very ill. It was so sad to see her so sick and to go through so much that I had to make the awful decision to have her put to sleep. I wish I didn’t have to do it, but she was becoming sicker and sicker and I didn’t want her to have to go through such trauma. I was very close to her, we formed a special bond and loved each other. She hated to be away from me, so I stayed with her until the end so she was not alone. I am really going to miss her and I am lucky that I was able to have a special animal friend like her in my life.
Life is a complicated journey. Before I cared for my grandparents I didn’t understand or think about it the same way as I do now. I was happy skimming through life, hoping that things would come my way and that everything would just work out fine, bad things wouldn’t happen, everything would end up roses and sunshine. There were of course times before caring for them that I battled hard with depression and sometimes would just lie in bed all day, sulking in my own demons.
When I started to care for my grandparents I was diagnosed with depression and given medication to treat it. It made a big difference to me and balanced out the chemicals that sent me to dark places. But even if I was being treated, I believe that the real lessons of life came from looking after the two soles I had grown up with, my Nanna and Poppy. There were moments of great joy and times when I felt so sick with worry my whole body would shake. Even through those hard times it showed how solid the bond I had for my family, to treat the special moments as precious as they are, how wonderful my true friends are and how strong the human spirit can be.
I watched my Nanna go from a beautiful comical person who would often make two sided jokes to someone who was serious, angry and did not know her own home and some of her family. I watched her leave this earth and felt her spirit in the next. I watched my grandfather go from a strong man helping me learn to drive into someone fragile and ill. It makes me sad that he has to be in a nursing home at the moment because I love him so dearly, and his mind is still very sharp, his body is just slowly letting him down, as age does to all.
Something that has been hard to watch as my grandfather gets older is how many friends and relatives he has lost in the last two years (even within the last month it has been a lot). Imagine watching the people who you are close to now dying, no longer being there to have a chat with, send an email to or call. It would be such a horrible thing to go through, especially when you felt ill yourself. Even though it is a morbid thought, it also makes you appreciate the people around you, or it does for me.
I know the time will eventually come when my Poppy will leave this world too. It is very scary because he has been such a huge part of my life, but I am so lucky to have known him, to have been their to help him when he needed my care and as a reminder that we have to appreciate the living energy around us. I am lucky to have a close relationship with my mum who is a constant rock, and is so understanding that we help each other in so many ways, sometimes just being in the same room is enough to sooth the unsaid.
There will be dark moments in the future and there will be vibrant tones of joy. I will grow and understand more, but I will carry my lessons of age with me, and approach life with a different understanding and appreciation.
My beautiful cat Pocket passed away today. She had been in my life for 17 years and meant so much to me. She was with me when I was growing up, through many of the great memories and emotions. It hurts to have to say goodbye and hurt even more to watch her suffer. At least now I know she is finally at peace.
Pocket was a very individual cat. She had a dominant personality and was ‘The Boss’. She would often play tricks on me, such as getting under my bed when I was younger and pulling open bags and playing with everything she could. She used to beep rather then meow (until a few years ago when she started to meow).
I love her dearly and even though I won’t be able to hold her paw or cuddle her again, she is always in my heart and I am thankful I was able to spend the majority of 17 years with her.
At the moment I feel like there is a black shadow following me around. I am unable to concentrate and feel numb. This hasn’t just hit me out of nowhere and rather then go into everything I will simply list the negative and positive things that have been happening in my life at the moment.
- My grandfather has been very ill and has been in hospital for several weeks. He almost died several times and he is stable at the moment but his health is not improving. This opens up the question of care in a home. My mother and I dread the though of having to do this to him, but on the same token he is 24 hour high care and because he is so ill, can we cope if he was in his own house?
- My oldest cat Pocket almost died last week. She was choking with fluid on her lungs. Mum got the fluid off her lungs, but the vet told us after giving her a scan that she has cancer and has a very large tumor. She has a lot of trouble breathing and she is on medication to help, it just hurts to see her so unwell.
- I have a bladder infection which is driving me crazy.
- My great uncle I adore had a heart attack.
- One of my birds, Poodle died.
- My fortnightly money I received from the government was cancelled because I forgot some paperwork.
- I received a $500 phone bill and doesn’t make sense.
- Because I have no money coming in now I am stressing about what to do.
- I am at home.
- I can sleep in.
I wish I didn’t have so much negative energy swirling around me. I know that my outlook and depressed attitude can make things seem even worse. I will try and focus on my designs and photography to take my mind into a productive and hopefully positive direction.
I have been terrible at updating my blog and I really miss spending at least a few minutes each week (or month) posting something. I will try and change that. :0 So, I have decided to recap, there has been a number of things going on since I last blogged with substantial content, so hold on tight for the catch up!
I have been wanting pink hair for a while now and I finally have it! It is a tad darker then what I want in the photo below because apparently it does wash out quickly, and I have found that out as it’s a lot lighter now. My hair is also short now, I had been growing it for years, and decided for a change and I am happy with it now, instead of annoyed and confused on what to do with it.
A major thank you to everyone that requested a theme to be made to help Japan. We raised $135 which is so awesome, and I know it will be helpful in many ways. I am sorry to those that I am still in the process of creating, eh, I am dooooooooomed.
Digital SLR Camera
*bursts* I had been wanting a good camera for years, and I finally found one that I wanted that wasn’t too expensive and I could let loose on a world of new opportunities. I purchased a Canon EOS 500D and I LOVE IT. At first I was getting carried away with how important I thought it was about the technology when the reality is, having an SLR helps, but you still have to be able to capture emotional connections to your subjects. I am learning, developing and hopefully improving as time moves on!
View more on my Flickr profile
Nanna Gone A Year
On may the 5th my grandmother (Nanna) had been gone one year. That was a very emotional time and I still am struggling with her not being in my life. I still feel like she is still here, that she is just off somewhere and is going to come home soon. I really love my grandmother a great deal, she was such a quirky individual who wasn’t afraid to be herself and had a will or iron. I am like her in a lot of ways. I really miss her. ::(
- Bubble was placed on Hiatus and is returning on 1st August 2011
- Still studying at Uni
- Still looking after my grandfather (he hasn’t been very well for a while, so it has been a struggle trying to juggle everything in life)
- I AM GOING TO SYDNEY FOR A WEEK TO SEE KRISSY, CLAIRE AND GEORGINA. Unless they realize that I am really just a weirdo and don’t want too. There will be more on this later. ;D
The last few days/week I have been feeling really blah. Very tired, sleepy, sick. Basically depressed. I have been thinking and dreaming about my Nanna a lot (who passed away in May 2010). I miss her so much. The fact I can never hug her again, and that the generations after me will never know her is such a huge shame. *sigh* I know they can know her through stories passed on, it’s just not the same as knowing someone.
I took Kitdung and Mogwai to the vet to be de-sexed. Everything went well, except for the fact that Mogwai is actually a boy not a girl ahahah. Fail. I really really thought he was a she. I’ve raised heaps of kittens over the years, but he was a sneaky little boy.
I have been slack with emails and just about everything online. It has been taking me a lot of energy to do anything which really sucks. The stupid internet connection I am using is driving me crazy. It sails a long at 11kbps (arrrrh) and likes to disconnect all the time. Grr.
I was going to get a Mac, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing because I have been wanting one for years (they are sexy). Mum and Dad talked me out of it (at least for now, har har). After thinking about it for a while, I think what I was really wanting was happiness not just a Mac. Because the idea of one opens the doors for happiness and delight. If I can find ways to bring some positives in, I might want a Mac less (or more? Bwahaha).
Hah, I brought more DVDs.
- Is Anybody There
- Two Hands
- The Haunting In Connecticut
- Seventh Moon
- The Final Destination
- Elizabeth The Golden Age
- The Thaw
- Blood Creek
- The Princess and the Frog
- Old Dogs
- The Box
My blog is back online again, I made this theme with an image purchased from iStockphoto.com.
My Nanna passed away on the 5th of May and it has been really sad since that time. I was very close to her and I am slowly healing.
Dad had his operation on the 3rd of May and he is going really well. It was a big operation (removal of bowel and bladder) and he won’t be home for several months, and will be off work for up to a year. I am just very thankful he is okay.
I haven’t been that active online lately, but I am trying to catch up on emails.
It has been a sad several years with so many popular names around the world passing away. It seems like that crystal pedestal on which many famous faces usually seem to be in cased does no longer exist and they have become more human, no less invincible than any of us. Still, it is very sad, let us hope that this number starts to subside.
On a lighter note I finally updated my domain collective. I realised I was updating domains as I registered them but I had forgotten to remove some old ones, duh. I added the new domains I registered for Bubble and once I have some more moolah I might get a few more. :P
Life has a way of doing things to people that you can?t explain. It can make you happy and it can make you sad. But it creates our friends, family and loved ones.
It?s funny sometimes how you can just be-being yourself and your hit with these past emotions stored deep in yourself that you don?t even realise are still there. Yesterday was seeming like it was going to be ok but then dad told me his aunty had died, I did not know her that well but it is still a sadness that you feel for other people, the sadness of knowing people will feel the hurt and struggle of loosing someone they love.
Today my cousin arrived, some may remember that several months back my uncle died horribly from a heart attack. It was one of the saddest times of my life and the emotions are still coming back. Especially seeing him and the look in his eyes and the heartfelt feelings he had for his dad. For some reason these past days are just formed into this almost square object of sadness.
Like the rain that is falling outside and the still hot feeling of summer, I feel confused. I?m not confused about myself in a way of who I am, but a feeling of being confused of how do we really cope with what happens around us.
For me it seems that applying for Fanlistings is some type of semi-realise, but I don?t want to hurt myself there either. I tried to apply for the Dominic Monaghan one because it was available for application, but he is so popular and the chances are very slim so I shouldn?t get my hopes up but I have. It?s such a silly thing to be doing.
I guess like with everything we can only take it one step at a time, surround ourself with happiness but not cover or cloud our grief. Let it be taken into ourself but not hidden. Understood not feared and perhaps then we can move on and search for the lingering of the old parts we had lost.
I wish the best for everyone, whatever you may doing may the love and joy always be yours!
Opps it’s nanna’s Birthday I will ring her then continue.
right well that is great she was really happy I rang she is 78 now and I was happy I rang. We have so many birthdays at the end of the year it’s really confussing.
I have now added a message board and something else I can’t remember oh well. I can’t think of much to say at the moment. Oh well I guess I will leave it at that then, oh wait I remember now.
Mum was getting ready this smorning and she went down to get the bird but it was dead. It was fine last night eating and drinking and then it was just dead. Maybe it was shock, but it was weird the pore little bugger. I loved whinston. *runs away crying*