New Theme (Orca)
Hello again! I recently took my site offline for a few days while I changed the theme and made changes to many of the pages throughout the site.
The theme is awesome. It is called Orca, created by EckoThemes and purchased via Themeforest. I love that it is very spacious and ‘clean lined’. I wanted a design that was new, fresh and squeaky clean. I had intended to create a theme of my own the next time I wanted a change… maybe after this one.
There have been a lot of things going on recently. Most of them have been ‘dsjdkhiuhasdajkh DOOM’ but there have also been a few good things too.
I have had ear trouble for the last five months. It started as an ear infection, then turned into something that the last four doctors don’t know what it is (yay). So I have to wait until November to see a specialist. At least twice a month if gets so much pressure/throbbing and builds up with fluid and really hurts. After a while it kind of leaks out. Ew.
My mum went on holiday for two weeks so I had some time to myself. I did miss her, so it was nice to see her when she got back.
My dear cat Tigger who was around 17 passed away. She got very ill and was at the vet for a week. It was first thought she had an infection, but it looks more likely it was some form of bowel cancer. The vet suggested we have her put down, but we couldn’t do it. I wish we had of done that now, because her death was very hard.
My dads bird Flapper (who was around 5) also passed away. I am not sure what happened, but he suddenly got very quiet. We brought him inside the day before he died, I checked on him a lot. But he passed away while I was not with him (I don’t like anything to be alone if it is going to pass) so that was sad.
I have made some progress on my ‘mental health battle’. I was able to speak with a health professional who actually listened and seemed to care. So I have a start, in hopefully a good direction.
Kate sent me some lovely gifts, a cute owl friend and a lovely candle that smells really nice. The card was also wonderful! (Image of these under the cut.) THANK YOU!
Blog shuffling again
So I decided to shuffle things around again and now have my blog back on a self-hosted WordPress and plan on using it as a personal blog, as it has been for a long time. I was rather inspired by Liz and how honest her blog is and thought that I should really do that too. I also decided to restore all of my old blog posts (from 2003 onwards). Many of these older entries are pretty crazy, but they are mine and I shouldn’t hide from them, at least I know I have grown as a person (… hopefully).
Because I haven’t designed a website for a long time (let alone a WordPress theme) I decided to purchase one. So I brought Keilir which I think is rather awesome and should work well until I decide to make my own theme again.
I have kept the previous posts I was making of daily inspiration/creative things and moved those to moon.nu which I will still continue to work on.
There hasn’t been a lot going on at the moment, or rather nothing exciting. I am trying to deal with a lot of mental health issues, that I might address later.
I sit in my bedroom and see hundreds of doors waiting to be opened and explored, with vast worlds and universes behind each and every one of them. But I sit here and struggle to find my own. I’m a teenager, a child, a squirming organism on the cusp of evolution, but this gives me no clue to my identity, or my path to a brighter and more fulfilling world. I’m supposedly an adult, but what does this truly mean, especially if one can not grasp the simplicities of life. Perhaps what I want, what I really strive to obtain is already at my fingertips and I feel too guilty, too scared to recognise, feel and embrace it. Does it take a shift of tectonic proportions to alter my way of thinking, to break free of a closed mind, or am I too idle to ever try. Maybe, just maybe, without thinking or trying to justify every situation in existence you have to let it run free, and follow its natural process. But how do you stop a straying mind that wants to fear each angle of a sphered humanity. I can’t pretend that I am a human god, unbreakable and strong sitting on a pedestal. I’m a face in a crowd with dreams and aspirations, one that is lucky to be granted many missed opportunities.
I do not say that I am living in a black hole of no hope. I just try to widen my perspective that each day is the same and no matter the clothes or disguises it wears I can not escape it. I can not pretend that I am able to pause or rewind lost time or live in each moment as if the seconds are slowing. I must be awake to the realisation that this is here, this is now and this moment will never be again, but it has been in my life and I can only admire that it has. I do not need to feel doomed by this reality but try, however hard it may be to embrace this and use it to push myself up and out of a burrowed place. I am one of the billions, I am not gifted, smart or brave and it may take years to fully understand this. But who I am, and what I can master in my own time can not be controlled by the minds of others. In a universal language I am only a small entity and the field of life around me, I hope to leave perhaps a small memory, one that does not fret and worry as much as I have.
I try not to pretend in the reality that is, but when my time and desires are spent in creating ones that are not, a fine line must be walked.
I have always felt so very strongly that people should not be organised with a number and told how good they are while being valued by a score. I.Q tests in there current form, really annoy me. It is no secret that I am not academically minded, my maths is something to be ashamed of and that I have over the years struggled to learn things the ‘normal way’ but the thing is, sometimes you find people that think, act and are in general, just different.
I watched this very interesting show and how a few ‘rouge’ professors and in my opinion the future brains of our world want to radically change the way I.Q tests are constructed. They understand that people can have intelligence in different forms and there is not one set structure. It is true that some people may have a mind that covers a wide variety of fields and this makes them incredibly developed. You might have a creative intelligence, an emotional or intuitive intelligence as well as an array of others and I think this should certainly be nurtured. I couldn’t imagine how many people have taken an I.Q test, got a low or average score suspected they are dumb when they are not and wasted what could have been a prosperous life.
I am certainly not saying I believe I am a genius. I would be the first to admit I am not the smartest, but I don’t believe I am stupid. I feel like I understand things in a way that is complex and hard to explain. Like life is this ball spinning in circles and I am standing far a way watching and observing it and able to place my hand and withdraw knowledge from its core and it will flow freely into my being.
For people who are similar to me, it can be a rough journey trying to figure out what you can do because you have a system that does not have faith in you, doesn’t understand or appreciate the level of intelligence you do hold. I hate to see any creative energy wasted and I hope the future will allow us to understand people and not be so judgemental on them when they have a chance and most of all see people as they are; a living and breathing soul with ability to make a divine mark.
Just wanted to say I am still alive. I went to the doctor today the pain was my back as far as she knows and I have depression, she said I should probably see someone about it to talk to and try to do more active things so I want fall into the dark or down deepresiveness. She doesn’t want to give me medication because she thinks just by doing things I should be able to work towards overcoming it I really like that doctor she is very nice. I have to go back thursday and have blood tests oh what fun oh well. I did get my hair done I couldn’t get the hair dressers to put blue in it but mum brought blue fudge and I will put that in tommorow or something because the hairdresser put extra blonde so I could put the blue on that which rocks .
I am really sorry I am not repling to people’s websites and Live journals I don’t want to sound pig headed but I have to really try and focus on getting myself better I don’t mean it to sound nasty I love you all to bits I just feel so I don’t know rushed and hanging around, but I plan to get better now I know what it is I can try to overcome it and not long untill winton so all shall be very lovie dovie.
I also got some new clothes today I love them very much .
hugs and kisses.
I hate when I get like this, it’s the deal that comes with being a pisces, you become like the tides in the ocean tossing and turning and incapable of standing with one emotion for to long. You long to furfil your dreams but then can be lifted upside down and shown head first that you only live with dreams. You realise you have nothing in your life you want to live for you don’t have any solid foundation but you carry on for the love of others and are eventually lifted from you own pictured doom that you find is not as bad as what it may have seemed at that time.
I don’t know what I’m doing. aI just want to sit down and cry I feel like the world has abandom me I know I am so stupid to think that I have heaps of people who like me. These feelings just hit me and it feels like they are not even mine like they have been invaded from an alien outside of my own mind. I tried to listen to the most happiest music their is but it did nothing, I walked around outside in the dark that did nothing, had a ciggerette that did nothing. It started to rain so I stood in the rain I could feel nothing, not even the chill seemed to dent me. I came back inside laid down and you may or maynot believe this but I felt this hand touch my leg. I jumped up and started kicking my leg around because it felt so horrible, just the way it grabbed me.
I know that the nest time I read this I could feel much better and I will probably think how much of a fool I was to write this, but I’m not a fool to write this because I am being able to exspress my emotions in the hope I can help me help myself. I don’t want to wish bad things on myself I don’t want to be depressed and you might think well don’t be, but it is hard to just turn off I know my case is only the tinyest bit compared to what others go through, my mum gets it really bad and I can’t help but feel sorry for her even if I don’t seem to show it.
I don’t really know what I’m doing at all, I just feel like I have no life. I have no real excitment I have no real sucsess I want to be able to find the world and I want to be able to at least make my mark. If I can do what I love and help people at the same time I have my own magical world right in the palm of my hand I can have that I know I can. All I have to do is follow with that I really feel I have to.
I’m like a rollercoaster I don’t even know who I am properly.