TAG: Thoughts

Twenty Eight

On March 11, I turned 28. It wasn’t all doomy and gloomy, but it did feel strange. Yesterday I thought I was only a teen, and now I am inching towards 30.

I think the most important thing that I realised is; I don’t have to act my age, I only have to be myself. My age does not define who I am or dictate how I should live.

The day the hosting stopped

When I got my very first domain name in 2003 what I really wanted to do was be able to host other people. It seemed like such a cool thing to do, host someone’s site. At the time I couldn’t because the space I purchased didn’t even have cPanel and was so basic. I was disappointed, but carried on with my site hoping one day I could host others.

In 2005 when I was finally able to purchase a reseller, I was so excited to have more space and control, but I was mainly so thrilled that I could now host other people. It wasn’t until I think 2006ish that I opened a site to host people ‘officially’ that was called Tehlove. I had a huge amount of fun on the website and got a dedicated server for the first time which was so marvelous. Everything seemed to be going so well I decided to offer paid hosting. But then things kind of fell apart a bit and I couldn’t afford to pay for the server, so had to cancel it.

After getting back on my feet in 2008 I really missed hosting other people and wanted to try again. I first opened a site to host fansites and fanlistings called fanmagic. But, realising that I did want to host other sites as well decided to open a main hosting site for everyone, which was Bubble or Bubble Hosting.

Bubble was such a great achievement I am proud of. I really put my heart and soul into trying to make everyone happy, offer lots of prizes and really provide amazing space for free. Because Bubble grew to a base of over 400 members I had to once again upgrade to a dedicated server. I will admit there were times when I could have been more persistent and did become slack sometimes, however from 2008 till present day there has been a lot of stresses in my life.

After running Bubble for 4 years, in 2012 I made the decision to open a business. The business was called Klue and offered paid hosting, as well as keeping all previous members of Bubble still there for free. It was kind of a rocky road mentally and emotionally, because my grandfather passed away and trying to focus was difficult (as well as some other health issues).

I tried to run Klue, but it just didn’t work the way I planned. In January 2013 I placed it on hiatus. In June 2013 I notified the majority of members that I would no longer be offering free hosting, except to a few friends and in July 2013 I cancelled the dedicated server and migrated to a reseller account.

It was rather difficult to have to stop hosting again. I really loved sharing the space and didn’t want to give up the dedicated server because it worked so well, but the cost was just too much when I couldn’t get everything going as planned.

I guess I seem to run into bad luck with hosting when I start charging people, or asking for payment. Probably because when I do, I feel guilty about it and makes it suddenly very serious. In reality I know if you have space you have to pay and if you have a big server then you need some money towards it. I just felt silly about it.

I would love to try and host again in the future, but I don’t want to let other people down. I have tried twice in the past and had to cancel both times. Maybe if I just had an unlimited income that would be fine haha.

I am lucky to have hosted the people I did, made new friends and communicated with a whole lot of awesome people. I have learned a lot of lessons and tried my best.

Thinking Tuesday: Reflections On Happiness

Last week I blogged about the idea of the basis of human nature and need either based on Happiness or instinctual feelings gained through evolution. I have had time to reflect on this during the week, because I was undecided about which it was.

I believe that two options is too simple for the basis of human nature or what we search for. There are many more layers that merge together, and although I am not scientific enough to provide evidence or a true hypothesis for my theories, I am entitled to my own beliefs or ideas.

Personally, the question of what we are searching for in life may be a need to fulfil, to live, to exist, to be. Are these connected to happiness, in some ways they are and in some ways they are not. Are we following what our brain sends to our body or are we following what our soul sends to our mind, sends to our body? Are we simply just living as we do, and there are certain parts of life that make it more pleasant or enjoyments we have discovered simply by chance and coincidence? The more I think about it, the more questions that begin to roll off, and the further away I go from a true answer.

I do not know the answer, I can never know what we are searching for. I can only try and realise what I am searching for in life, and that is the starting point that I should begin with, rather to try and understand the needs of humanity. I do want happiness, but I also want knowledge, understanding, kindness and equality. I want emotions to be forged into my life. I do not want to live in a violent, over complicated world, but I will accept (or try) the world because although I can make differences, I can not change the choices and decisions of others. Happiness is a direction that I stear towards, but I do not finding my driving force behind my spirit. It feels more of a need to be, to understand and learn. Learning in the form of life, not just from a classroom. I believe we all have lessons that we must learn in life and things are different for everyone one of us. Happiness is something that we should have in our life and should strive towards because it enables us to see that we are all human and although we may have many different personalities we are the same too, and should be more united by that fact.

What are your thoughts?

Next week I would like to think about something a bit different and hopefully not as complicated, so my mind does not feel like it is rolling in on itself. ;p

Thinking Tuesday: Human Nature

Is the basis of human nature based on the search for happiness or are we primal beings content on animal instincts?

What do you think?

To try and summarise the extent of the complex nature of human beings as existing either one way or another is rather vacant in how we live our lives. At the core, it does enable us to question are we searching for happiness or trying to fulfil basic instinctual needs?

Personally, this is a question I can’t answer, and I am not sure on what may be right or wrong. I can only absorb from my own perspective, when there is so much more I have yet to see. My unclear opinion considers both sides. Happiness does appear to be a constant search for people in life, but on the other hand there seems to be a continual emphasis on a physical desire and aggression amongst some in the world. Perhaps these two work together, one fighting the other until the victor decides what path we will take, or maybe we just exist as we are and are not as complex and important as we think?

Happiness means something different to all of us. Laughter, family, friends and doing what we love. I know many people that strive to have this feeling and even personally want to have a great deal of happiness in my life. It seems like such a pure and uplifting way to give life with more meaning. But how, if happiness is what we are all striving for, how do people kill, abuse, hurt and abandon others? Is it a lack of happiness that they experienced, an event or trauma that blocked the chance of a balance existing or clouds blocking out the sun of what they are entitled too, or perhaps even a tradition of happiness being oppressed by generations of hate burned into the mind?

Primal, animal instincts. Depending on your religious/scientific association on the evolution of life this idea may be irrelevant or a clear understanding of how human behaviour occurs. We are constantly shown in the news and media images of violence, the pecking order, sex and reminds of what is either right or wrong, left or right wing, be in the pack or out of it. But, could this really be how on a very basic level we function. Instead of happiness are we searching for a desire to possess, hunting for what we want from one moment to the next, or long term protection for our pack?

I wish that the true measure of our nature was to absorb happiness, perhaps the optimistic view. Do I believe that this is the way we are? I can’t answer yes or no, because I am divided between how I feel and how some of the world is shown to us, but then what we can see can be filtered, washed down, with the truth sometimes distorted. I want to say yes, but a part of me feels conflicted with the logical idea that we may rely more on a primal need. How then does a spiritual connection interact with this idea, perhaps it is connected with a way for happiness to reach us on a different enlightened level.

Perhaps if I reflect on this idea during the week and see how my thoughts have changed on next thinking Tuesday I will also have a greater respect for my own ideas.

In posting this entry I have not meant any disrespect to those with religions views, I respect all people and simply wanted to share my muddled thoughts on an issue.

Thinking Tuesday: Technology Dies

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately; What would I do if technology died? If we had no power, no internet, no form of modern communication networks (computers, telephones, mobiles, television, iPods, iPads, ianything)?

I would have a terribly hard time adjusting to this change because I rely on technology so much that I would feel completely helpless and cut off from everything. I spend a great amount of time on the internet, creating websites, using my computer to design, chatting with friends and even for school. I have my future plans tied in with the internet, that if something happened I would in some ways feel like my future had gone and all the years I had spent preparing and learning what I wanted would be gone in an instant.

It really is a scary thought in some ways, that I rely on something so much that could in a flash be gone. I know you have to have faith in some things, otherwise you allow fear to rule every part of you. Perhaps I should allow more time to focus on the natural, tangible world, or at least imagination on paper?

What would you do if technology dies?


I went shopping last week on Tuesday, oh my god. I brought so much stuff (see photo, 1 and 2). Books, DVDs, Toys, gifts and random things. I am going shopping again next week on Tuesday so I can finish off my Christmas shopping. I had great intentions of making sure my cards got sent early this year, duuuh. What happened there? XP

Austar (Pay Tv) is finally on! So many shows and movies it’s great. Although Dad and I already had one argument about it and he got in a really bad mood and hasn’t talked to me for hours, whoops. It’s exciting not to be limited to a few channels. I just have to remember to watch normal free to air TV when shows like Heroes and other random ones are on!

Some final thoughts: Music is a gateway to spiritual understanding. Some believe that if you are to open yourself up your soul is able to sing and breath for the very first time. I do not mean one should simply listen to music and be enlightend you should produce MUSIC that is on a level unknown from human ears, a personal collage of your personal being. Music is created in life every day. In the conversation you share with others, the thoughts you have and the actions and reactions you give to every scenario you are confronted with. Music can be the very core of who you are.

So, what’s your I.Q?

I have always felt so very strongly that people should not be organised with a number and told how good they are while being valued by a score. I.Q tests in there current form, really annoy me. It is no secret that I am not academically minded, my maths is something to be ashamed of and that I have over the years struggled to learn things the ‘normal way’ but the thing is, sometimes you find people that think, act and are in general, just different.

I watched this very interesting show and how a few ‘rouge’ professors and in my opinion the future brains of our world want to radically change the way I.Q tests are constructed. They understand that people can have intelligence in different forms and there is not one set structure. It is true that some people may have a mind that covers a wide variety of fields and this makes them incredibly developed. You might have a creative intelligence, an emotional or intuitive intelligence as well as an array of others and I think this should certainly be nurtured. I couldn’t imagine how many people have taken an I.Q test, got a low or average score suspected they are dumb when they are not and wasted what could have been a prosperous life.

I am certainly not saying I believe I am a genius. I would be the first to admit I am not the smartest, but I don’t believe I am stupid. I feel like I understand things in a way that is complex and hard to explain. Like life is this ball spinning in circles and I am standing far a way watching and observing it and able to place my hand and withdraw knowledge from its core and it will flow freely into my being.

For people who are similar to me, it can be a rough journey trying to figure out what you can do because you have a system that does not have faith in you, doesn’t understand or appreciate the level of intelligence you do hold. I hate to see any creative energy wasted and I hope the future will allow us to understand people and not be so judgemental on them when they have a chance and most of all see people as they are; a living and breathing soul with ability to make a divine mark.

Another Year Over.

It’s the last day of the year and I find it hard to believe for some reason. It only seems like yesterday that it was the last day of 2006 and a whole year has been misplaced. But it wasn’t a silent year, this 2007. There was a number of events that both warmed (Nicole coming to visit) and broke (Witchypoo going missing) my heart. It’s funny to look back on a year and think of everything that has happened, the trials and tribulations you have been through, the successes and the failours, the loves and the losses, and then to sum up if it was a good year or a bad one.

For me, this year has probably been a powerful learning curb. I have tried a number of things and had the door to them closed, by my own mistakes or lack of self motivation and drive. It has allowed me to open my mind more, when it has been closed for such a long time and have hope in the dreams that are to come, but still lack the confidence to reach for them with all the strength I can muster. It has also been plagued by a grey cloud, hovering through my emotions and slumping me down into a place of black, but not winning the battle every time.

I have made new friendships and reconnected with old ones that had been lost or broken. I have strengthened the bond of those I hold already and shared great moments of happiness, silliness and a childish thirst for life. With a serious side parked next to moments of sadness that have rained down.

I have a feeling 2008 may bring with it many opportunities that had not been handed to me before, but I also feel it has the potential for big changes that will fall into my life. I just hope that when the time comes my mind will not refuse and try to squirm and rebel against the path of life that leads to the front door of my own desires. You can’t hide from what you want, and if you do then everything you wanted passes you by and only yourself can be blamed.

I hope 2008 will be a great year for everyone and I also hope all had a nice Christmas. I did. It was lovely and quiet and just spent with the family that means everything to me.

1. Dad and I will be playing the big match of cricket that has been a tradition for over ten years today, wish Dad luck, he will need it bwhaah.

2. I had a dream last night that J.K Rowling came out and said her latest novels had been published. It was not about Harry Potter but a new work of fiction about something serious. Three books and the title started with G, but I can’t remember what it was called. :(

3. Sylar and Zachary Quinto (they are the same person.. do I know this myself?) are so hot right now. Zach is coming to Australia in may, oh boy. I will regret it forever if I don’t go. Must. Control. The. Crazy. Fangirl. Inside. P:

Okay, I’m all good now. :D

As the days roll on.

A few things have been going on at the moment, so I will put them in categories and talk the day away. Also, many thanks for the comments on my last entry. I have a lot of strange dreams and most of the time they are in great detail which I love because it feels like I am living in another world, and can give me good inspiration and ideas for stories.

Michael Hutchence.
On the 22nd for those who may not know marks the 10th year that Michael Hutchence has been gone from this world. Michael was a singer, songwriter, rock star, extroverted / introverted soul that was almost unreadable, and I say this because even in his fame, he was still an amazing person who took an interest in the stories of other people and respected life as it was. I could write a million reasons why he was so wonderful, but I may just start crying again, so instead I have a song I have written. Just words, I don’t want to destroy it with my out of tune vocals. You can find them at the end of the entry, reading more.

Election Day.
Today is Election Day for those who reside in the wonderful country of Australia. I have no problem publicly saying I will be voting for the Labor party because I believe they will do the best for our country and deserve the chance to prove themselves. Not to mention the current Prime Minister has said that he will retire if he is re elected, so it becomes a vote for his off-sider which I can’t stand. No way in hell would I vote for Howard. I do like Kevin Rudd (Labor) I just hope he will do well, he has nerd power to the max and sometimes you can’t help but feel embarrassed for him, but nerd power please! Tonight we will know the results, I just hope Kevin 07 can live the dream. *snort*

Writing and Life.
I had lots of plans for the future and the door is still open, but one thing that has always been apart of me is the idea of me writing. I don’t think this could ever really be taken away from me. Sometimes it does become silenced when I am going through a ‘down stage’ but I just have so much fun/anger/love for it. Sometimes I feel a little bit like a lost soul and I guess this might be normal. I wonder who I am, and think I am this person, but really it’s a place I want to live in another world and maybe in fiction and who I am is different, so far away from it I wonder why I could ever assume that in the first place. Confusing right? It only just accrued to me, that maybe the desire for me to be so different at the same time might be my need to try and express different personalities of people. What I mean is, a single day I sometimes wish I was ten different people. The one who is beautiful, the one who is smart, tall, skinny, male, female. I know it’s normal for people to imagine themselves with the things they desire, but mine stretches that a bit and sometimes it imagines other people as if they were me, but different. Maybe I am just talking garbage and this is normal, I would never know I have always been a bit of an oddball.

My fear I have is can I be a writer? Could I be able to do this for my future, and how could I support myself while I tried. It’s always been like a dream that clung to my soul, but I don’t think I have ever thought about it really logically (which I have trouble doing with most things). I’m not a very social person in the outside world, I stay in my house a lot, and have limited company of people. The normal things that people do without a second thought scare me deeply that I realize how silly it is. It makes me wonder how I could do anything else besides writing or Web design. I don’t hate people, I just feel like they are in a different world. Sometimes you meet people that are in the same as you, and they are the special friends who understand. You can talk to them in perfect English and they don’t need to translate.

I have never thought of myself as a smart person. There are big gaps in my education that I need to fix and sometimes I even doubt my creative abilities. But I do feel like I have something that makes me different. It has been strange, during my life, growing up and at High School I was the one people always assumed would do wonderful things in life. I want to do them, I want to write and share my work but I am so scared of never reaching that goal that I hide from it. It is such a ridiculous cycle, I should be laughing at myself and getting out and trying. But I am going to try.

I have been starting a number of stories. I won’t go into great detail. But the first one the characters appeared to me. Almost like a vision you could say. I saw them standing next to each other, looking up at me. I can see their faces, the clothes they are wearing and they have not left my mind at all. There is also another character that stands away from them in the distance, but he is not as clear, I am sure he will develop soon. And another weird thing, I was looking for the names of them. Four I found very easily, and the last one I had a selection of names. When I had five, it then occurred to me that they were all related and I had not known, so that in itself gave me a million ideas. Sometimes it feels like your brain is on fire, with these characters buzzing around. Then again, maybe I am really just insane.

I guess what I am trying to say. I am scared of doing anything but living my dream and at the same time I am scared of my dream in the idea that I might fail at it.

And so ends, my long ramble. Sometimes you just feel like you have something to say and have to get it out. I could probably write a lot more, but some things need to stay in your own mind, and I have probably revealed a lot here anyway.

Kidults – Our Generation?

I recently read in the newspaper, an article that slammed our generation and referred to us as the kidult generation (aka Adults acting like children –18-30 year olds). In a number of ways I have to agree that the nature in which some of us live that has been stated in the article is true. I do not however agree with the ways in which they believe it is a problem with our society.

The article believes that our generation is one engulfed by Harry Potter Books, Children’s movies, IPODS, New Music, Living at Home and everything that defers from what “Adult Culture” is all about. That people would much rather play a new video game, then go out to the theatre. But this does open the question, who has the right to judge what adult culture is all about, shouldn’t the people living their own life, live by what they believe fits in best with them?

If you go over every generation of people, the lifestyles of adults has changed and shifted between the years. From the elegant 30s to the punked up 80s, Adult Culture has not remained a set of guidelines that everyone is sworn to follow! If those that now reside in this era have moved into a phase of technology and where their minds are enchanted by the child like beauty of the world, how then is this a problem?

I do not see the harm with people staying young at heart. What can it hurt to hold onto what some people may have as happy memories. I have never wanted to grow up, and will probably always still keep some of my childish nature. Because it makes you see the world in an open mind, something that many people believe they have to close off and shut down, when in fact if you keep this, you keep a youth and spark of life alive, within yourself.

People always want to label everything! Colour, race, religion and just fellow man in general. We already have enough troubles trying to find who we are without knowing that the lifestyle we are living is under the microscope, let us live, and in life let us learn!